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This Space
For Rent

Ace’s Multi-Purpose Writing Module #8

The Ultimate Yugioh Convention or…
Rumors Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated*

By: teh aCe f0 sP4d3s

June 10, 2005
SCENE: 004
Location: A laboratory room or something.

POOK:
It’s finally completed! Hahaha!

JAELOVE:
Heh, heh, yes massssssster.

POOK:
I have completed the ultimate column-writing automaton!  

JAELOVE:
Sssssssssssssshall we put it to the test, masssssssster?

POOK:
Totally. [evil laughter]

JAELOVE:
[equally evil laughter]

 POOK:
I call it the ACE, and we shall test it upon this poor town of Pojo!

JAELOVE:

Masssssssster! We have a problem! It’s become ssssssssssssself-aware! 

POOK:
Holy carp! It must be destroyed!

Hijinks ensue as the mad scientist and his loveable sidekick attempt to quell the machine. They fail, allowing the abomination to spread terror among the land. It gets bored of that though and starts typing a column for some fansite.

 

Don’t worry, the deleted Scene 003 will be on the DVD as an extra feature. Be sure to pick it up folks, I’ve managed to get Alan Rickman as Pojo, Christopher Lee as Lord Tranorix and Jack Nicholson as ExMinion of Darkness.** It wasn’t easy to get them onboard, I assure you. Be sure to buy my DVD next Tuesday so I can afford to pay their salaries.

And before I get onto the article, I’d like to make a quick clarification. I’m not a competitive player, and I haven’t really done much in the Yugioh community except for this column. Those who have noticed my disappearance from the Pojo Yugioh forums can attest to this.

If you’re looking for hardcore game strategy, hard-hitting tips and tools or big business-like con reports, you’re going to have to go read JAELOVE or Deathjester, or someone equally knowledgeable.

 I’m concentrating on what I do best (or better than Yugioh strategy at any rate), writing amusing articles that no one in their right mind would ever read.

 

You’ve probably been to one of those Yugioh mall tours or some other equally-Yugioh-related event and survived with minimal injury, right? You no doubt remember the cute little children running around trying to get your shiny cards while the big, mature kids argue about some ruling.

I have a vision, my friends. It is of the ultimate Yugioh event. Something so organized and enjoyable that guests would never want to leave. Well, I am about to reveal the details of this dream, and perhaps the organizers, planners, players and mafia bosses involved with the setting-up of these events will take notes. After all, there’s a quiz at the end of the period.

Step #1: The Events

            Any good convention or gathering needs to have something to entertain its guests with. After all, we can’t just have perfectly good Yugioh players sit around and twiddle their thumbs can we?

            Well we could, but we’d have to charge extra.

            The most important thing would probably be an actual tournament in which you could participate and play in. There would also be prizes which would go to the winner, either in the forms of neat cards or green slips of paper with mostly-dead presidents on them.

            There would be three main tournaments, one for experienced players, one for newbies and one for arrogant n00bs. Actually, that last one wouldn’t be a tournament at all; rather a fun room involving various forms of military-grade torture devices.

            At any rate, the two other tournaments would go through until a winner is declared. Then the two winners, the newb and the veteran would play for the championship. Now, now, I know what you’re thinking. The newb would get totally smoked. Not so, for here is the twist I have so elegantly kept from you. The newb and the veteran would have to trade decks. Herein is a true test of skill.

            Also, there might be a videogame stand and an anime viewing room. Okay, there’d be two anime rooms. One for the original, one for the dubbed version. This second room is where the party is, you see, because it’s much like an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, except way more violent and with more cursing.

Step #2: Making Money

            That is, of course, the only reason anybody ever does anything, ever.

            Here is where we take an idea from a popular amusement park franchise. You Americans call it, “Six Flags”. They have a very novel idea, involving their charging armloads of cash to get in, and then truckloads more to actually participate in the amusement. You crazy Americans and your capitalism.

            We would charge a mere 20 smackers to get into the building where the event is supposedly being held. Then, the guest would be transported to another building and asked to pay another 20 bucks to get into this building. Once let into the event, the customer would then have to pay to participate in pretty much any activity.

            Also, food, drink and inhalers would cost somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 bucks. It’ll cost extra if you want frills like real meat, buns or ice.

Step #3: Making sure only the right people get in

            There would be a highly trained squad of bouncers at every conceivable point in the building. These guards would all look alike and wear cool Italian suits, sunglasses and little curly wires going from their ear to the collar of the cool Italian suit.***

            They would be on the lookout for things like:

            -whiny n00bs
            -whiny newbs
            -whiny veterans
            -people who rip off too many kids (the limit is 120)
            -people who rob others of their ill-gotten cards
            -people who win too much (as in a casino)
            -people who smell
            -Ralph Nader

            People who make off with stolen merchandise would be especially entertaining as the guards would make cool comments over their walkie-talkies like, “I’ve got a delinquent duo in Sector G1-Oh-Niner Alpha!”, “Cover Me!”, and “Hey, is that Chicken?”.

            They’d be armed with tazers, those little clubs that officers like to twirl and stun cuffs. Much like the Security Guard from a previous article. Not that you remember it.

Step #4: Special Guests

            We’d pay to get big name superstars from the UDE and Konami industries as well as the anime to come and talk to sweaty, fat internet dorks.

            If it’s one of the cooler conventions, we’d also get some of the big names in the internet community, like the Pojo staff and… that’s actually all I can think off.

            There’d be long “Q&A” sessions, in which fans can ask Kevin Tewart about his personal life and when in the bloody schnell they’re going to release Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon in the English card game. We know he’d love that.

            We’d also supply things like water guns and slingshots for the interview with Alfred Kahn, CEO of 4Kids Entertainment.

 

And that’s my plan. Maybe, just maybe, with your help, we can make this a reality. With your support, we can make my dream a reality. Or fail miserably. Whichever.

Be sure to come to AceCon, the great Yugioh convention coming to Southeastern Wisconsin. We’re currently shooting for some time in Fall 2012, so be sure to save your pennies. This isn’t going to be cheap.

-Ace of Spades, who should really be studying for his semester exams rather than writing useless, arbitrary articles that really benefit no one in particular but himself.

Ace can be contacted at ctrlaceofspades@gmail.com

Hey kids, now you can read about Ace’s zany life at his web journal thing. Linkage: http://ctrlaceofspades.blogspot.com/

*History time. Points to whoever can tell me who is responsible for the preceding quote.

**Really, it’s an awesome DVD. You should hear Christopher Lee roll the “r” in “rentsy”. And Jack has displayed surprising talent in stealing candy from babies.

***What movie villain are these guards emulating? This is really easy, people.

Ace of Spades would like to remind his readers that the names of people are used purely in good fun, and he sincerely hopes that Mr. Kahn won’t send cyber-ninjas to his house late at night.

 
 


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