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Ace’s Multi-Purpose Writing Module #6
Part 2 Of Whatever It Was
I Wrote About Last Time
By: Ace of
Spades - 05.02.05
Location: A small, dark room.
A single light turns on, revealing two men in suits standing
around another guy tied to a chair. The first suit smacks
the tied-up man.
[German accent] We’re going to try this again. Where is your
ACE OF SPADES:
Do you expect me to talk?
[Italian accent] Yes. Did you even write anything?
ACE OF SPADES:
[mocking] What do you think?
[frustrated] Of course you haven’t.
I see where this is going. You basically have the two
choices. Write another article –
Or we keep you locked up in this interrogation room to rot.
ACE OF SPADES:
[sighing] You’ll get your column.
EMoD throws Ace a piece of paper and a pencil.
Remember that last column I did? Where I rambled on about
the bad spectators? That was same zany stuff, huh? As my
crazy follow-up to that, I have a helpful guide to on how to
avoid being like Coach Mutou or Bob the Hutt.
#1: Ask First
You may not have to pay to watch a duel, but you should wait
for permission. It’s as easy as asking “Mind if I sit in?”
or “Alright if I watch?”. It’s very rude, and on occasion,
kind of creepy, to go sit next to somebody and start peering
over their shoulder.
If they’re fine with it, by all means, pull up a chair. If
they’re not, go wander off and find something else to do, or
another game to watch.
#2: Don’t Interrupt
This one should be fairly obvious. The players won’t need an
announcer. They don’t mind spectators talking about what
they did, but the spectator shouldn’t talk directly to the
By the same token, it’s not a good idea for a player to
start up a conversation with the spectator while the
opponent is trying to play seriously.
On the other hand, it’s not rude to politely inform a player
of an error they made. If done nicely, this is quite
beneficial and can help new players to understand the game
or give the opponent a quick chuckle, depending on the skill
level of the players.
#3: Be Helpful
While you’re not an errand boy for the players, it’s always
nice to offer assistance somehow. If they happen to be using
a pen and paper for keeping track of Life Points, volunteer
to jot it down for them while they concentrate on the game.
If an error is made, and the opponents make an argument
about it, feel free to go grab the judge or rules authority
and point them in the direction of the game. Arguing over
rules doesn’t deplete LP, so the less time spent bickering,
As mentioned, you are not a servant either. You shouldn’t go
up and get a snack for one of the players, unless of course
you are being reimbursed somehow. If they want food, they
can get it themselves.
#4: Guard Duty
As spectator, you’re in a fine position to keep watch over
the players’ valuables. If somebody is sneaking away with a
binder and the owner is too absorbed in the duel to notice,
take matters into your hands, and point the thief out to the
authorities*. Heck, you might even get a card or two as
You can also keep away the bad spectators. Politely ask the
Rules Lawyer to leave or even get the tourney organizers
involved. The current duel is probably too interesting to
risk having an idiot come by and annoy the parties involved.
#5: Stay Away From the Cards
Don’t flip over the players’ cards so you can see them. Just
don’t. A slip of the finger might lead to the opponent
learning of a strategy.
Always ask before taking a look at a card on the field or to
see a player’s hand. It can be politely done, but one
shouldn’t bother a player about it. Get a quick look in and
go back to what you were watching.
As a Yugioh player, it is incredibly dishonorable to then
tell the opponent what the player has in wait.
#6: Refrain From Assisting A Cheat
One of the first laws of the game is to never cheat. Konami
punishes this by sending a team of Yugioh experts to your
home and ripping up every card in your collection, then
setting fire to the cards and possibly your computer.
“Being an active accomplice” is a corollary to this law.
Helping to cheat is not only dishonorable but it’s just low.
I doubt even a scaler would go that low**.
Spectator: Security Guard
A person who obeys Rule #4 very often. Often ready for a
quick fight or loud yell, the security guard is dedicated to
keeping not only your cards safe, but everybody’s. A true
player of honor, he’s ready at a moment’s notice to
intercept some dirty thief on his way to the door.
A security guard also tends to assist little kids when
trading, helping them to understand value and preventing
them from getting ripped off.
The requirements for the Security Guard prestige class are
Oh whoops. Wrong game.***
Spectator: Authority Figure
The tourney organizer. The local high-ranking judge. The
cool guy who runs the game shop. These are the guys that the
players look up to when they need something resolved.
The tourney organizer will help to mediate while the judge
arrives to administer the correct ruling, as the cool guy
who runs the shop watches from behind the counter, ready to
throw kids out of his store should the argument turn into
On rare occasions, someone will be a mix of all three. This
person’s authority is then tripled.
Spectator: That One Guy
Sure he doesn’t play Yugioh, or whatever game you happen to
be playing, but he knows about gaming. He knows about
trading, building and anything else commonly associated with
That One Guy is someone who always likes talking or joking
and is generally just a fun guy to be around.
Spectator: Walking Encyclopedia
The WE seems to know just the right information at just the
right time. He can automatically recite a card’s effect if
needed and he eliminates the need to find a judge because he
already has the errata and advanced rules memorized.
Often carrying around his own binder full of rulings, the WE
often takes up the job of Judge, though some prefer to just
be players and spectators, rather than taking such a seat of
Spectator: The Good Parent
Every tournament has some newbies eager to learn the game
and to find people to teach them. In the best cases, they
are accompanied by what is called “The Good Parent”.
Fully supportive of the new hobby, the Good Parent strikes
up conversations with local veterans to see where his
son/daughter should be going in the game. The Good Parent
will assist with trades and manners of money, helping the
child to get the cards he needs. The parent will help the
child in the actual game, tolerant of new rules and never
accusing the opponent of cheating.
In fact, the Good Parent is just as eager to learn the game
as his/her child. That is what I believe they call “good
parenting”. I know it sounds like a myth, but they’re out
What? I’ve still got another page left to write? Hmmm. Let’s
do a mailbag. That seems to be all the rage with my fellow
Q: hey ace can u r8 and review mi deck?????
Q: Ace, I have a deck attached to this message. The goal of
the deck is to [so-and-so] and hopefully I can win by
[so-and-so] means. Would you mind taking a look at it and
giving a quick review?
Q: Ace, I love you so much and I want to have your children.
You are the best writer ever!
A: Your check is in the mail.
Q: Your column is stupid and I could write better with my
eyes closed. You’re obviously a n00b and I hope you go to
Nationals so I can beat you with a Yugi Starter deck. LOL.
A: Well, that’s why I’m writing for a popular and well-known
gaming sites and you’re not.
Q: It’s off to a good start, but you could make it better.
For example, I didn’t like how you did [so-and-so] and I
think you should have given more attention to [so-and-so]. A
good idea would be [so-and-so].
A: Thanks for the suggestions! I’ll certainly give thought
to them when I write next.
Q: Act now! Free drug prescriptions, no waiting. We can also
save you money on your next house payment. Drugs and tax
reductions all in one package! How can you lose? If
interested, send us your Credit Card number and send this
message to your friends!
A: Listen pal, I can’t afford a house and I certainly don’t
need any drugs. Now, I’m sorry to have to send this back to
you, but I don’t have a Credit Card number. Also I don’t
have any friends to send this to. I will be happy to stay in
touch should you have any future offers for me.
Q: Shut up.
A: No you shut up.
Q: Are these real questions?
A: More or less.
-Ace of Spades, who is currently in a fight for his life
against the undead remains of his co-workers. Please send
Ace can be contacted at
Hey kids, now you can read about Ace’s zany life at his web
journal thing. Linkage:
*Be sure to yell something cool like “Stop thief!” or
“You’ll never escape, fiend!”
**Kidding, kidding. I swear it. Scalers are in fact some of
the nicest people I know and, I’m quite sure, perfectly
decent human beings who wouldn’t really try to kill me in my
***Points to anyone who can tell me what the heck I’m
talking about here.