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Pojo's Yu-Gi-Oh! Reader's Top Ten Lists

BattyMan's Top Five Things I've Learned from the Anime

I'll be the first to admit it, there's some stuff wrong with the Yu-Gi-Oh Anime. Dark Magicians being summoned without tributes, horribly situational

combos constantly winning duels, pretty much anything that has to do with Yu-Gi-Oh GX. These problems cause many serious duelists to ignore the show completely, they think there's no reason to watch it. Well I'm here to show

them, and you, that the Anime is brimming with knowledge; not only of how to

duel better but of how to live life better. With that said, here's my "Top Five Things I've Learned from the Anime".


5-There is a direct correlation between how unusual one's appearance is and
their dueling ability-
We've all heard jokes about how absurd Yugi's hair looks, but after watching

the anime I've discovered that his lightning fro is more important than any
of us could have ever guessed. Yugi, Joey, Mai, Bakura, Marik, Pegasus;
they all have ridiculous hair and silly outfits to match. And they're all
great duelists. On the other hand those background characters with plain
hair and clothes always lose and they never get into big tournaments. Now,
you might be saying "The inept side characters look that way because they
aren't important enough to the story to have an interesting appearance."
But for someone like me who's willing to look deeper.obsessively deeper.I
say painfully tight pants and angular hair are just as necessary for a good
deck as Cyber Dragon is.

I do admit that Kaiba is lacking in the hair department, however his
clothing more than makes up for the lack of weird hair. If you like
unnecessary straps and buttons than Kaiba's got you covered in spades. It's

actually a popular theory that Kaiba needs all those accessories because
they hold together several different articles of clothing he combined in an
effort to make the most powerful outfit in the dueling world. And by
popular theory I mean a half-baked idea I'm trying not to think about too
much, because the more I do, the less sense it makes.

With all this overwhelming evidence it should be obvious that the easiest
way to duel like a pro is to look as silly as possible. Needless to say, at

the next Shonen Jump Yu-Gi-Oh Championship keep an eye out for the two new
up-and-comers known only as "Rainbow Suspenders Stu Johnson" and of course
"Mike - There's a family of squirrels living on my head - Smith".


4-Dueling is the cause of, but also solution to, any problem you encounter-
When Yugi's grandpa was stolen by Pegasus it was because Yugi was a duelist.

And Marik, he was using duel monsters to take over the world, or destroy
it, I was never really too sure about that. Yugi solved both those problems

by dueling, in fact, there hasn't been a problem on the show not solved by
dueling; everything from stopping magical madmen to whether or not Yugi was
going to pimp Tea to a Dance Dance Revolution fanatic. The GX series is the

same way, every problem Jaden faces is caused because he's a duelist, but he

resolves all these problems by dueling. I'm sure even everyday problems are

solved by dueling. I'm not kidding, if two people had a car accident they
would leap out of their cars and start screaming various attack commands.
And I'm sure the car accident was caused because at least one guy was
driving while pondering complicated dueling strategies or talking to his
schizophrenia induced card hallucinations.

Kuribo Card: Kruuuuu.
Motorist: What's that Kuribo? You want me to burn down that gas station?
Kuribo Card: Kruuuuu.
Motorist: But.but haven't you made me hurt enough people?
Kuribo Card: Kru!
Motorist: Fine, I'll burn it down.
Truck: HONK HONK!
Motorist: Uh oh, here comes a truck what should we do Kuri- (loud crashing
noises).


3-Doing badly initially can only lead to winning-
If the show has taught us anything it's that the worse you duel in the
beginning the better you duel at the end. Yugi didn't become the champ by
playing with skill, he did it by getting trounced in the first half of every

duel he ever played. It's a good lesson for those of you who think things
like "playing well" and "good deck building" wins duels. You guys need to
pay more attention to the show, take notes on how Yugi and Joey constantly
do horrible. Heck, if it's early enough in the game a Magician of Faith can

tear Yugi apart. The only time a villain really needs to worry is towards
the end of a duel, that's when the hero draws all his good cards and has his

best friendship speeches ready.


2-Household objects make the deadliest of weapons-
Maybe you've seen self-defense guides proclaiming they can teach you how to
become a martial arts master in three weeks, or books proclaiming "What the
FBI, CIA, and Every Martial Arts School Doesn't Want You to Know!" on the
cover. Sure, those look promising, but they can't compare to the skills you

can learn from the average episode of Yu-Gi-Oh. You remember when Mai
battled that biker gang by throwing Harpie cards at them, when Jaden broke a

fake Millennium Puzzle by piercing it with his card, or Kaiba saving Tea by
tossing around his priceless Blue Eyes while standing next to the ocean.

Marik: So explain to me again how Kaiba made you drop the remote before you
crushed Tea with the giant crate?
Rare Hunter: He threw his card at me and I dropped it.
Marik: His card? Are you sure you don't mean a rock or his shoe? Because
that would make a lot more sense.
Rare Hunter: I think he hit me with the edge or something, see, here's the
mark it made on my hand.well I guess it's gone now.
Marik: Right, so did this happen before or after Duke Devlin's vicious dice
attack?
Rare Hunter: Listen Boss, I know it sounds stupid but dice really hurt.
Those things have even more corners than cards do. It's like dice are
designed to have as many pointy edges as possible, that's a dimension of
geometric peril that no man should ever have to face.
Marik: Just give me back your black cloak and get out of my sight. You're
not just an embarrassment to yourself, you're an embarrassment to evil.
2nd Rare Hunter: Bad news Marik! Our entire eastern division of Rare
Hunters was just taken out by a rubber chicken attack!

With the knowledge gained from watching Yu-Gi-Oh you can turn the contents
of a standard Monopoly Box into an arsenal of painful edges and sharp
corners. Just don't let this deadly fighting technique reach the general
public. Not so much because it would be dangerous, but because of how
difficult it would make flying on commercial jets. Security there already
confiscates your nail clippers and makes you take off your shoes. If
everyone learned how to make stuff like dice dangerous than I'm fairly
certain that airlines would start enforcing a strict "sit on your hands
throughout the entire flight or our stewardess will beat you over the head
with a tray table" policy.


1-Whoever has the most cheerleaders' wins-
When Yugi beats someone and then brags about how he has so many friends he
actually makes a good point. Friends are important.as cheerleaders. Yugi
always does best when his pals are around yelling about his various
problems. In fact, the one time Yugi lost was when he was alone against
Raphael. Obviously if you want to be best you need cheerleaders. Of course

your cheerleaders will need to sound a bit different than Yugi's.

Cheerleader 1: Don't look now, but that guy just used Brain Control and he's

about to grab BattyMan's card with his nacho stained fingers!
Cheerleader 2: If BattyMan doesn't do something quick his cards gonna be a
regular cheese factory!
Cheerleader 3: That's not all guys, if BattyMan loses he'll have to play
that kid who keeps his Exodia pieces in different colored card covers and
refuses to take Monster Reborn out of his deck!

Here's a rating system I whipped up to let you know how useful your
cheerleader is:
Regular friend who's also in the tournament 2/10
Guy who doesn't play the game but still follows you around and watches you
duel 5/10
Attractive female 7/10
Attractive female that you talk into wearing an actual cheerleading uniform
9/10
E-mailing me pictures of said female while she's wearing the uniform 10/10


There's the first five. Email at BlueYoshi2187@hotmail.com and let me know
if you liked the list. If I find out people actually enjoy reading what
I've written than I'll submit the last five. If no one responds than I
won't waste my time. Because frankly, the time of someone who tells
strangers what he learned from a cartoon show is priceless and far too
valuable to be wasted.

This is BattyMan saying "Remember to never operate vehicles while under the
influence of hallucinatory cards."

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