Andrew Birtles' top 10 monsters that could never, EVER be considered scary

 

Andrew Birtles' top 10 monsters that could never, EVER be considered scary   (andrewbirtles@hotmail.com)

These are my top 10 yu-gi-oh "monsters" that could never, ever, seriously, be considered "monsters". Obviously the card designer was very very drunk when he came up with these. Or else he was just a sissy who found floating reptiles and australian wildlife extremely frightening.

  1. Des Kangaroo

A green Kangaroo wearing boxing gloves ? Is this what happened to Skippy once he got fired from his tv show ? He was forced into a life in the boxing ring ? Whatever the reasons for his bizarre career change, if he did attack you and start punching your face in, you’d probably be laughing so much at the fact that he’s wearing a purple waistcoat to even notice. Or care.

  1. The All Seeing White tiger

………Is just actually a tiger. I don’t care how much he stands on the edge of that cliff looking thoughfully into the distance, he’s still a tiger and could never be "wise". Or maybe that is the irony ? He is "all seeing" because he can, indeed, see very far from a cliff. But that would still make him just a tiger.

  1. Any of the Ojama singers

Besides the fact that they have more teeth than the entime Osmond family (at least the yellow one does, ha, id like to see her on any of your "sexiest yu-gi-og moster" lists) how the hell can you be scared of pop singers ? Its like being scared of the Jackson five!

  1. Dark Grey

I don’t care what anybody says, all this is, is a purple deer which has stolen, what looks like, the wings of a bat. There are children who cried during "the wizard of oz" that would still laugh in the face of one of these should they confront it in the woods on a dark night.

  1. Sonic Duck

Very little needs to be said about this "animal". We’ll just leave it by saying that it is wearing a pink scarf and it has a bucket on his head. Oh yes, and that, technically, it would win in a fight against Celtic Guardian.

  1. Big Koala

Obviously somebody told Upper Deck entertainment that animals from Australia were scary. Most likely the Australian tourist board. I mean what next ? "Curse of Dingo" ???! "Crocodile Dundee – Envoy of the end" ???!?! Anyways, despite the fact that he is more powerful than Dark Magician (who will undoubtedly be crying himself to sleep for the rest of his life should he ever find out) there is absolutely nothing threatening about something that looks like one of your sisters stuffed cuddle toys.

  1. Aitsu.

Awwww, I cant help but feel sorry for this guy. He’s basically a red man made of plasticene riding a paper aeroplane, and while he’s not likely to make you wet the bed tonight we ARE told that he has "incredible potential". Yes. He does. He can be thrown on the fire and keep you warm for a few minutes, and that’s the most use you’ll get out of him.

  1. Mushroom man

With all the other little Mushrooms crowding around him it seems like the Mushroom man is starting off his own little cult (possibly to take over the world ? mwah ha ha ha!). Until you realise that this is stolen from the Disney film "Fantasia"! Now do you remember being scared from that film ? After watching it did u suffer from insomnia and stay up all night shivering in your bed, breaking out in a cold sweat ? no ? exactly.

  1. Orca Mega-Fortress of Darkness

Presumably after "Willy" was freed after jumping over that large rock in the "free willy" films he got very very bored. And therefore, the obvious career change after starring in a successful movie would be to be hired by Mercenaries, chop off the top half of your body, attach a crane to youself and prance around in the ocean firing torpedo fish off at "the legendary fisherman". He should stayed in the aquarium if you ask me.

  1. Balloon lizard

Picture this scene, if you will, for me. Yu-gi-oh and seto kaiba are locked together in one the most fiercesome duels ever witnessed by man. They are fighting and cursing like men posessed, both obsessed with becoming crowned duel monsters champion. After an awesome 3 chain combo, yu-gi-oh grins insanely as he uses a monster reborn and special summons his Black Luster soldier onto the field. Seto Kaiba, sweating profusely, slowly draws a card, knowing that this will decide whether or not he wins the match. He looks at the drawn card with apprehension, and then bursts out laughing and starts doing back flips around the room. Yu-gi-oh, puzzled, waits to see what card he has drawn. And seto kaiba summons………… balloon lizard. He then ends his turn. The black luster soldier looks at the balloon lizard, speechless. The balloon lizard just,........,,,,just floats there in front of him, flicking his tongue pointlessly. Black luster soldier, turns and looks at yu-gi-oh, who just shrugs. The balloon lizard is still floating there flicking his tongue in and out. The black luster soldier then smacks the balloon lizard on the head with his sword. And wins the match.

There, that is why this balloon lizard is so entirely pointless.

Cheers for reading,

Found an even more stupid looking monster ? another australian monster iv missed ?

Andrewbirtles@hotmail.com for any comments