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Peasant Magic - 2013 101 Uses for a Lava Axe - B. Siems
A Strict Upgrade: 101 Uses for a Lava Axe.
As I type this, the release of
Magic 2014
has just been released to an unsuspecting world, signaling
not only the debut of new cards but the return of many
recent classics which have been conspicuously absent over
the last year. One of these returning cards (first printed
in
Portal) is
Lava Axe.
Lava Axe: 4R (common)
Sorcery
Lava Axe deals 5 damage to target player.
I can hear Ye Olde Pojo Editor already; “You’re seriously
going to do an article on Lava Axe?” Yes. Yes I am.
I happen to think the
Urza’s Legacy
version of the card is the perfect example of top-down card
design. It is elegant in its’ simplicity; five damage for
five mana plus artwork that perfectly illustrates the card
concept and pithy-yet-punchy flavor text makes for an easily
grokable card for the masses.
It’s not a card that gets much respect from the Spike-type
demographic of Magic player, though. That’s because Lava Axe
is a fun card, and Spikes don’t know fun from a hickey on
the neck. (And yes, that is a visual that absolutely nobody
needed. You’re welcome.) And so it is in the spirit of fun
that I present for your reading, uh… pleasure (*drum roll*)
101 Uses for a Lava Axe!
A disclaimer before we start: while there are items in the
following list of actual gameplay uses, this list is also
composed of out-of-game/real life uses. (“Real life” defined
as both “uses for a 3 1/2 inch by 3 inch piece of cardboard”
as well as “Dude, don’t tell me there’s no such thing as a
Lava Axe! Like, I could totally go to Hawaii and make myself
a real lava axe for, like, real!”) You have been warned.
101 Uses for a Lava Axe
1) As the poor man’s replacement for Ball Lightning or
Skizzix. (You thought that was Spark Elemental’s job?)
2) Running block against a blue mage’s Counterspells so you
can cast your other, cheaper, burn spells.
3) Conversely, splashed in a permission deck as a “never
seen it coming” method of victory.
4) It not only slices and dices your Julienne fries, it
cooks ‘em right on the spot!
5) Just don’t use it to slice butter, though.
6) Use extra copies as human tokens.
7) Combo it with Mages’ Contest.
8) Stick it in the spokes of a bicycle to get that cool “whipa-whipa-whipa”
sound effect!
9) Impromptu dental floss.
10) You can use them as tile for the floor of your local
game store. (This has actually been done, my
friends.
Check it out!)
11) For that matter, a few thousand should be able to
decorate the walls in your house.
12) Simple math: 4 Mountains + 1 Seething Song + 1 Lava Axe
+ 1 Overmaster
= BOOM!
13) It makes lumberjacking easy!
14) And tree trimming is a breeze!
15) As a coffee table conversation piece (one which melts
the table and falls through the floor, then
sinks
into the basement…)
16) It can be used for impromptu metal welding.
17) It works better than a Jaws of Life at the scene of a
traffic accident.
18) As a surgical instrument; not only can it sever a
damaged limb, but it can instantly cauterize the
wound.
19) Paly it with spells that reduce mana costs, like Arcane
Melee (or better yet, Cloud Key.)
20) As a bookmark.
21) You can use them as proxies for other Magic cards.
22) White-out the picture and text, and use it to make your
own home-brewed Magic cards!
23) As a magic trick; stick it to your head without the use
of any glue!
24) Still a magic trick; throw it though a watermelon.
25) Pauper fans, don’t forget about Nivix Cyclops.
26) Throw it at an opponent just like the X-Men’s Gambit.
27) It’s an Anarchist’s best friend.
28) It makes a great lantern for barbarians who’re stumbling
around during a night raid.
29) You’ll never accidentally lock yourself out of your car
again.
30) Fire Servant and Lava Axe make a beautiful couple.
31) Use it as a fan.
32) Use it to scrape the dirt from underneath your
fingernails.
33) Place a few copies into the “Sparkler” pre-con deck.
34) For the professional carjacker, it’s the ultimate in
anti-anti-theft device. (“Bitch, let me in the car!”
SLASH!)
35) It also does a remarkable job at safecracking.
36) Keeps Kanye West’s ego in check. (“Yo, I’ma let you
finish, but first I’ma wanna say…” CHOP!)
37) Wild Cantor away!
38) Use Channel? Sure.
39) It’s great at starting campfires.
40) And house fires…
41) And setting people aflame! Hooray for fire!
42) It makes a tiny (but real
sturdy) paper airplane.
43) You can make a teeny-tiny (also real sturdy) Chinese
football out of one.
44) With enough copies, you can make a kick-ass house of
cards.
45) It’s a universal subway token; no turnstile can stand up
to it.
46) You can clear the snow off of ski slopes in Aspen.
47) It’s the ultimate weapon for assassinating snowmen,
abominable or otherwise.
48) Archaeomancer says “Mjolnir, to my hand!”
49) Likewise, you could also use Call to Mind…
50) …or Regrowth…
51) …or Déjà Vu. (Oh, the irony.)
52) With a few hundred copies, you can make a fashionable
dress.
53) Never fear! Galvanoth is here!
54) Use it to cut down the next person who busts out “Oppum
gangnam style!”
55) Amanda Bynes used it to set her cat on fire.
56) Auger of Bolas
57) Cooled down, a Lava Axe makes a great paperweight.
58) Or a doorstop.
59) And it also does a helluva job clubbing baby seals.
60) Replace the charcoal in your grill with one of these and
do some real grilling.
61) As a lava lamp. (Ba-da-bump!)
62) It makes breaking and entering easy.
63) Hang it out on the porch for the ultimate bug zapper.
64) It makes for an awesome tiki torch at the same time.
65) It could kill a Shivan Dragon if it wasn’t for that
pesky “target player” clause.
66) It can, however, kill anyone fool enough to cast Form of
the Dragon.
67) Use it to slay giant monsters attacking countries in the
Pacific Rim. (It’s way cheaper than giant
robots.)
68) A Lava Axe is a portable waste incinerator.
69) You can tutor for it with Brainspoil, but I suppose
Mystical Tutor is a better choice.
70) As long as we have a Lava Axe, we don’t need a Man of
Steel to break General Zod’s neck. Oh, yeah:
SPOILERS!
71) Is your opponent’s arrogance getting you down? Fork him!
72) Is he still too cocky? Retaliate with Reiterate.
73) Give it rebound with Cast Through Time.
74) We don’t need 300 Spartans to defend us against the
Persian, ‘cause this is LAAAAAAAAAAAAAVA!
75) Your bath water gets cold before you’re all done? Not
anymore!
76) Use Mystic Revival and hit ‘em over and over and over
again…
77) Use it to scare away friendly, sharing fans,
just like Mark Rosewater.
78) Get yer road rage on!
79) No A.T.M. will ever tell you “insufficient funds” ever
again!
80) Goblin Electromancer like burny-hot fire axe!
81) Guttersnipe like burny-hot fire axe too!
82) Shut down the noisy next-door neighbor’s party that’s
kept you up until 1 a.m.
83) Urban renewal. And when I say “urban renewal,” I mean
demolish that sucker!
84) Take it to the bowling alley and make that 7-10 split
for sure!
85) Quicken!
86) Recoup!
87) Recall!
88) Mnemonic Wall! (Gotcha!)
89) If you cut out the picture and hang it up in a Barbie
Dream House as a work of fine art. (Ken has
excellent tastes.)
90) Ever seen a Lava Axe with superspeed? Hypersonic Dragon
has.
91) It’s not only a strict upgrade from the cinder hatchet;
it beats the
Sledge-O-Matic straight to hell.
92) Use it to convince the members of Congress to get over
their partisanship and get some damn work
done! (That’s called “political commentary.” Hate on,
haters!)
93) Discipline any jerk who cuts ahead of you at the
supermarket checkout.
94) Confetti. Heavy duty confetti.
95) It can whittle down the number of contestants on
American Idol way faster than Randy, Mariah,
Nikki and Keith can.
96) It can also speed up the process on The Voice, now that
I think of it.
97) Put a little spin on a good Lava Axe throw and you’ll
only have to mow your backyard about once
every six months.
98) With a Burning Wish, you don’t even need to keep it in
your main deck. (You’re welcome, Spike.)
99) Three words: Furnace. Of. Rath.
100) It makes a hatchet throwing contest at a county fair
real interesting.
And finally, 101) Dealing 5 damage to your opponent.
Until next time, I remain…
B. Siems
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