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Peasant Magic Decks - 2011

You Can't Touch My Monkey - by Alan Wescoat

You Can't Touch My Monkey is a pauper deck.  Friends of mine who wanted to play MTG would cry that it was not possible to build a good deck without the rare cards because, "The only good cards are rare cards."  I set out to build this deck to prove them wrong, limiting myself only to commons I already had.  This deck is pure aggro designed to deliver 20 points of damage by turn 5.  If the game continues past turn 5, it tends to peter out due to a lack of card draw and the need to burn a lot of cards to deliver the damage as soon as possible.  The deck starts out by attacking with creatures that are as large or fast as possible and then using Goblin Tunneler (or Dwarven Warriors) to bypass the opponent's blockers once the opponent has established a board presence.  This deck is fast, effective, and fun in duels, but it is utterly ineffective in multi-player formats.

Creatures:
4x Kird Apes
4x Skitter of Lizards (or Raging Goblin if you need to)
4x Goblin Tunneler (or Dwarven Warriors in a pinch)
4x Scryb Sprites
4x Diligent Farmhand
4x Wild Mongrel (but Grizzly Bears will do)

Instants:
4x Fists of the Anvil
4x Brute Force (but Blood Lust and Firebreathing are options)
4x Muscle Burst
4x Giant Growth (or maybe Groundswell)

Lands:
10x Forest
10x Mountain

Other Options:
Kiln Fiend
Rancor
Lightning Bolt
Groundswell
Blood Lust
Firebreathing

This deck was initially conceived during the Mirrodin block so probably a great deal of cards have been produced between then and the Zendikar block that are suitable.  Lots of cards are suitable.  It's just vicious red and green weenies and red and green pumps of the best sort.  The Goblin Tunneler (or Dwarven Warriors), however, is the linchpin card that allows the strategy to succeed in the face of overwhelming blockers.

Rapid attacking is really important.  This is an all-or-nothing deck in that the player must be committed to an attack, attack, attack strategy.

Aggressive Mulligans make this deck more effective.  The player should try to start with a forest and a mountain in hand and at least one creature, preferably a one-drop.  Two Forests and a Diligent Farmhand also works.  The best first-turn play is Kird Ape, followed by Raging Goblin (or Skitter of Lizards).  Diligent Farmhand is there to attack and be sacrificed for a land if he's blocked.  The sooner he makes it into the graveyard the better because he enhances Muscle Burst.  The instants should not be used to save  creatures when blocked unless it gives the ability to kill a much larger creature or if no other creatures are on the board or in hand.  Only one creature is needed to connect with the opponent regularly to win.  The instants are for killing the opponent, not for saving creatures.  An unblocked Kird Ape attacking on turn 2 enhanced with Fists of the Anvil Delivers 6 points of damage, putting the opponent on a very short clock.  If there are effective blockers out by turn 3, Dwarven Warriors (or Goblin Tunneler) is a superb play.  This ensures that the opponent cannot stop the beating that is coming on the next turn.  The player should not be afraid to lose creatures to blocking.  There are 24 creatures in the deck, and it's only the one that actually connects with the opponent that truly matters.

There is some flavor that the player can add to this deck while playing it.  When Dwarven Warriors makes Kird Apes unblockable, the player should say, "You can't touch my monkey."  (Yes, I know it's an ape and not a monkey.  Whatever.)  Whenever the Kird Ape delivers damage to the opponent, the player can say, "My monkey spanked you."  When playing Giant Growth on the Kird Ape, the player can say, "My monkey is huge."

Here's an ideal game:

Turn 1:
Mountain
Kird Ape

Turn 2:
Forest
Attack with Kird Ape.  No block.  Opponent is at 18 life.  ("My monkey spanked you.")
Goblin Tunneler.

Turn 3:
Forest or Mountain
Target Kird Apes with Goblin Tunneler ("You can't touch my monkey.")
Attack with Kird Ape.  No block.  Fists of the Anvil.  Giant Growth.  Opponent is at 9 life.    ("My monkey spanked you again.")


Turn 4:
Target Kird Apes with Goblin Tunneler ("You can't touch my monkey.")
Attack with Kird Apes.  No block possible.  Muscle Burst.  Brute Force.  Game over.  ("You were beaten to death by my monkey.")

3 lands.  2 creatures.  4 pumps.  What fun!


Alan Wescoat