BattyMan's Top Ten Most Unplayable Decks From: "Ryan ." Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 22:50:19 -0400 Because this article is about the ten most unplayable decks I decided to get the monsters most well known for being unplayable to help me review each deck. And as anyone who has read my article “Just Say No to Harpies” should know, the three Harpie Lady Sisters fit that description perfectly. Once I convinced them to stop gouging my eyes out with their sharp talons they agreed to help me in this article. So I present the Top Ten Most Unplayable Decks (except Harpie) narrated by Harpie Lady one, two, and three. (Roughly translation from shrieks and loud squawking noises) 10-Archfiend: H.L. #1: We decided this should be number ten because it seems like it might be playable. Archfiends have a lot of cards to support them. So why is this deck on the list? Well, apparently there are numerous cards that are Archfiends but don’t say so in the name, making this the most confusing deck to use. H.L. #2: This deck is such a massive screw up that Konami has an entire section on its website explaining the Archfiends. So if you’re using this deck you get to print out the page explaining the rules and carry it around with you at tournaments, otherwise your opponent might not believe you when you tell them Summoned Skull is an Archfiend. I don’t know what’s worse; having a potential deck-type ruined by incompetence, or getting into an argument about a card’s name every time you duel someone. H.L. #3: Nice going Konami. That’s just what I want, having to do extensive research before I can use a deck. 9-Toon: H.L. #1: Toons can be special summoned, attack life points directly, and most of them have high attacks. But the deck requires you to have Toon World on the field to play any toon monsters. And if you lose Toon World you lose all your Toon monsters. So, in essence, any kind of Spell removal your opponent has becomes Raigeki. That is too big a weakness for the deck to be playable. H.L. #2: It’s a waste of time to play against a Toon deck. It’s no fun when you know you’re going to win. I think the only way someone should be allowed to use a Toon deck is if every time they lose life-points an anvil is dropped on their head. And when they lose they get blasted at point blank range with a shotgun, turn all black, and then crumble into ashes. H.L. #3: Things like fiends or dragons sound intimidating. Toons are about as scary as a baby attacking you with a rattle. 8-Plant: H.L. #1: Plants definitely get the award for being the most “average” deck. With cards like Vampire Orchis or Fairy King Truesdale Plant decks are known for being “almost playable”. By the way, Fairy King Truesdale is the most homosexual name of any monster in Yu-Gi-Oh. H.L. #2: Konami made just enough mediocre plant support that you might consider using them for a moment, but you’ll quickly remember how bad they are. It’s ok they suck though, when people start playing the game they want to use something that sounds cool. Like “dragons”, or “warriors”. You’d need to a pretty big loser to start playing a trading card game and say to yourself “I sure hope there’s plant deck I can make!” H.L. #3: You might try running this to be different and original, but at some point certain decks stop being original and start being small cardboard pieces of failure in stacks of forty. 7-Reptile/Dinosaur: H.L. #1: Ultra Evolution Pill made it look like Dinosaurs and Reptiles might get the support they need. But no other cards came out to help the deck, so nobody gets to make a deck around two of the coolest sounding types of monsters ever. H.L. #2: You ever get the feeling that Konami makes a card to support a bad deck-type just to see if people will have the nerve to try running it? Can’t you just hear them saying “Go ahead, collect those reptiles and dinosaurs.” “We’ll make more support for them, really.” Then they crack up once you spend money trying to make the deck. H.L. #3: This deck gets bonus points for having, not one, but two unplayable deck-types combined into one unholy package. It’s no secret that Konami hates Reptiles. There’s a card called Spherous Lady which is I giant snake with human arms; and Konami, I kid you not, makes it a rock type. Than you’ve got another card called Lizard Soldier and it’s a dragon type, despite having lizard in the name. What does it take? Does a card have to be called “Reptilian Lizard Snaky Snake Snake” before you can classify it as a reptile? 6-Orca Mega-Fortress of Darkness: H.L. #1: Orca Mega-Fortress of Darkness is a monster that can sacrifice either Torpedo Fish to destroy monsters, or Cannonball Spear Shellfish to destroy spell/trap cards. This deck sounds like it might be good, but if you’ve played with this deck even once you’ll know it is the slowest deck ever created. This deck makes the Destiny Board look like a first turn KO. Shoot, I forgot all about that deck! Ok, here’s a quick Destiny Board review: it sucks, the people who made it are stupid, I’m disappointed in Konami, etc. There, I covered the basic formula for all these deck reviews. H.L. #2: What Orca Mega-Fortress of Darkness lacks in playability it makes up in adjectives. And the inferior 2100 attack (for a tribute monster) makes it even harder to consider a card that looks like Shamu dangerous. H.L. #3: There is one impressive thing about this deck, that someone stupid enough to make the deck went long enough without catching himself on fire to create the monsters. 5-Guardian: H.L. #1: This deck was severely hurt by having the Butterfly Dagger restricted, then banned. Not to mention that all the effects stink anyways. None of the monsters are worth getting out due to the fact that you also need their corresponding equip card on the field in order to summon them. I realized this deck was awful when I realized that even if the Guardian monsters didn’t need their equip card, and could be summoned normally, I still wouldn’t use any of them. The monsters are that bad. H.L. #2: I remember looking at the guardian cards, thinking about making a deck around them. And I looked at them all and said to myself “This can’t be it.” “All these cards suck, there must be a monster I haven’t seen that makes the deck worth using.” But there was no such card, each Guardian monster was nothing but a terrible monster that needed an equip card. The disappointed feeling I had was kind of like when you woke up on Christmas as a kid expecting a Nintendo but got clothes instead. Or seeing either Matrix sequel. H.L. #3: This deck is so bad it will actually destroy any good cards nearby it. Seriously, don’t leave your Black Luster Soldier by one of these things. It’ll look like it went through a shredder. 4-Dark Scorpion: H.L. #1: The Dark Scorpion cards all have effects that only activate when they damage life-points, and the Scorpions all have low attacks around 1000 (except one tribute Scorpion with an attack of 1800, wait it gets worse). And the card that the deck is based around is Dark Scorpion Combination, which requires you to have all five Dark Scorpions on the field at once, and then it lets them all attack directly but reduces their attacks to 400. For a card that requires five other cards to use that is a horrible effect. If you actually do use a six card combo it had better A) Win you the Game, or B) Force your opponent to let you keep every card in his deck. H.L. #2: I recently got my third Don Zaloog. So I tried making a deck around the Scorpions, but I knew some of the cards were pretty bad. But I wanted to make a competitive Dark Scorpion deck. Therefore I started to get rid of every Dark Scorpion card that was a horrible, every card that you would have to be crazy to use. Once I was done I was left with a deck consisting of nothing but three Don Zaloogs. H.L. #3: There’s a point when a deck stops being bad and starts being comical. Have you read the effects of the Dark Scorpions? Chick the Yellow, for example, returns stuff to their hand when he attacks. When a monster with an attack of 1000 actually hurts your opponent they’re pretty much guaranteed to have a clear field anyway. If you’ve had a bad day and need to laugh just read the effects of the Dark Scorpion Cards, they’re hilarious! You’ll laugh until your sides hurts, or develop a deep resentment of Konami for making these cards. Whatever. 3-Aitsu, Koitsu: H.L. #1: The monsters can be gotten out easily when you use the elemental searchers. But their union effect simply isn’t good enough, a 3100 monster with a trample effect isn’t worth it. Maybe if they could attack life-points directly. H.L. #2: The artwork is what bothers me about these cards. Who needs the elaborate detail of Black Luster Soldier - Envoy of the Beginning when you can have a naked blue man with no face doing a handstand on a giant paper airplane? H.L. #3: The only explanation I can think of for this deck is that instead of giving their janitor a raise they let him design a new deck type. 2-Gate Guardian: H.L. #1: The Gate Guardian requires you to get four cards at once, the Gate Guardian and the three monsters that must be sacrificed while on the field. It would make more sense to just keep the three monsters separate, which would force your opponent to use three monster removal cards instead of just one. On second thought, it would make even more sense to not use these cards at all. H.L. #2: Calling this deck horrible is nothing new. In fact, you should consider it your duty as a duelist to insult this deck at least one time. H.L. #3: You’ll never have to worry about playing against these cards at a tournament. Anyone who would even consider using this deck would have accidentally eaten all their cards long before they could make a deck with them. 1-Warrior/Chaos H.L. #1: But seriously, number one is… 1-Ojama: H.L. #1: The reason to use this deck is to get all three Ojama monsters on the field and then use Ojama Delta Hurricane, which destroys all your opponents’ cards on the field. This is very unlikely because these monsters have a horrible defense and an even worse attack. It’s difficult to keep three good monsters on the field at once, let alone three monsters that won’t survive without spell and trap support. H.L. #2: This deck is number one for a reason. If you get the combo (which you won’t, unless you’re playing against a lobotomy patient or a cat) you’ve used four cards up to do it. The Ojama monsters are useless on the field due to the fact that they have no attack points. So you need to at least destroy four of your opponent’s cards to break even. H.L. #3: I’m going to be honest with you, this deck is number one because of the artwork for each Ojama monster. It’s like the artist tried to see how horrifyingly disgusting he could make each monster without losing his job. He basically drew the worst looking thing he could think of then stuck it in a speedo. Because I analyzed ten decks there’s a good chance you might like one of them. Please send me hate mail if that is the case, you need to take everything I said literally. Just because I narrated with three half bird/half women characters from a trading card game does not mean you should take this article any less seriously. This is BattyMan saying “Well, I think I’ve just about bashed decks in every way possible.” Email me if you liked the article or completely misunderstood the point of it and hate me now, at BlueYoshi2187@hotmail.com