From: Ryan Arida Date: Apr 5, 2005 3:32 PM BattyMan's Top Ten People to hide your Yu-Gi-Oh obsession from I've never been ashamed of being a high school student who plays Yu-Gi-Oh, but it's not exactly something I want to brag about. In fact, I would more likely to confess that I like to steal candy from children and eat it in front of them than admit to being a duelist. But this top ten list isn't about how mean I am to little kids. If it was it would be called something like "The Best Ways to Make Children Cry" or "The Top Ten Ways to Steal Candy without the Parents Noticing until it's too late". No, this article is much relevant to being a duelist. This is the "Top Ten People to hide your Yu-Gi-Oh obsession from". 10-Parents: If anyone is going to understand your obsession it'll be mom and dad. On the other hand they're also the ones who are going to demand you start paying rent when they see you shell out twenty bucks for a card. So it might be best to keep your Yu-Gi-Oh obsession under wraps. Unfortunately those of you to young to drive might need your parents to get you to local tournaments. Now I don't condone lying to parents, but you could always use a little white lie to make them think you're going to be doing something else. Here are some examples you could use: *You're going to do some volunteer work at the local animal shelter. *You're going shopping for gifts to give to your parents. *You're participating in the "Ultimate Fighter: King of the Iron Cage World Championship". -If they find out- Be prepared to endure such comments as: "Don't waste your money, don't you have enough cards?!" or "If you spend half as much time on your schoolwork as you did this game you'd get all A's!" but my favorite would have to be "You're a failure and you'll always be a failure!" But I was hearing that from my parents even before they found out I liked Yu-Gi-Oh. 9-Magic the Gathering Players: I've met more than a few Magic fans that have an irrational feeling of superiority towards Yu-Gi-Oh players, which makes about as much sense as someone working at McDonalds calling Burger King Employees a bunch of losers. Somehow Magic players think they're cooler than us. Let me explain something. You could be a escaped biker convict that can wrestle a bear to the ground with his bare hands, but the minute you pick up your deck and play some cards you forfeit the right the to claim to be cooler than someone else. But once you put the cards away you can go back to being the mayor of Coolsville (not actually a real city). Playing a trading card game is simply not considered cool by the general public, nothings wrong with that, it's just how things are. So everyone can cut the crap when it comes to trading card games, there's no class system. -If they find out- If you have to share a comic book shop with Magic players they'll probably ridicule you for playing a "children's card game". Don't let it get to you, just remember that while in a card shop it's actually not cool to be cool. Now, I realize that after reading the phrase "it's actually not cool to be cool" half of you closed this window and now consider me a moron of the highest degree. But let me explain, if you were to tell someone that you can recite every gadget in Batman's belt alphabetically they'd most likely tell you to never speak to them again. But in a comic shop people see it as a valuable skill. And the fifty hours you've spent on World of Warcraft leveling up your character would normally earn you a sound beating. In a comic shop, however, it makes people respect you. So when you play at those tournaments be proud to be a little nerdy. 8-Friends: Real friends should be expected to accept anything about you right? Wrong. When groups of guys get together each one looks for something wrong with someone in the group, once they find something they start ridiculing that person in order to look superior in the eyes of the group. If you happen to admit to liking a song which is deemed un-cool by the others you will hear about for at least a week and then it will be brought up periodically at the worst times for as long as you know them. They will do this with any "un-cool" movies, books, TV-shows, and yes, games you like. In fact the best way to have a healthy relationship with your friends is to tell each other the very least about yourself as possible. -If they find out- You get to serve the most important role in the group, the clown. With this title you can expect: *People to only laugh at you, not with you *No respect *Having anything you drink be filled unexpectedly with laxatives 7-Children: You might be around your little cousin, a younger sibling, or some kid you're watching for a friend and see them playing by themselves with some bent-up Yu-Gi-Oh cards. You're immediate reaction to this is to let the kid know you play too and have something in common. But you need to remember that the reason why people don't accept you playing Yu-Gi-Oh is because they see it as a children's game. And admitting that you play the same game as the three year old picking his nose next to you is about as good for your social life as being unable to control your bladder. -If they find out- If the kid finds out he's going to tell everyone he can, it may be because children are naïve, but I think it's because they're filled with evil until they turn at least five. Your best bet is to move to Alaska and make a living selling warm blankets made out of your hair. 6-Poker Buddies: Thanks to its sudden popularity poker is no longer played exclusively by fat cigar smoking men and dogs in paintings. In fact there is a good chance that most people reading this either have or will play poker with friends at some time. And it can be hard to get out of "Yu-Gi-Oh mode". You might find yourself yelling out things like "I combine my queen of diamonds and nine of hearts to create the all-mighty full house!" Doing this is no good. You must make sure to get out of "Yu-Gi-Oh mode" or else they might find out about your secret. Besides, nothing feels worse than when an opponent wins a hand and you try to counter with mirror force only to realize that all you have face down is a two of clubs. -If they find out- You can be sure that your attempts to win with a pair of Dark Magicians will not be welcome. In fact the only time you'll get to play is if they want to entertain themselves by having someone to make fun of. 5-Siblings: It will be exceptionally hard to hide your secret from siblings. But you must. If you don't the consequences could be catastrophic. You see these people all the time, making it easy to get angry at each other. Once this happens they'll tell everyone they can the most embarrassing things they know about you. Sure, you'll make up afterwards and they'll feel bad about telling people your secret but the damage will be done. You'll have no choice but to live in a church bell tower, hidden away from humanity, surviving only on the occasional stale piece of bread the pastor leaves you. -If they find out- In order to keep them quiet you'll have to become their slave for a week; doing all their chores, homework, and anything else that they want. And whenever you resist they'll pick up the phone and act like they're about to call someone and tell them about your secret. In the end, however, you'll both learn a valuable lesson about respecting each other and not worrying about what other people think. Also: If all this happens it means you've somehow become part of a family sitcom. 4-Coworkers: Being in high school as I am, the only kinds of jobs I can get are minimum wage. And as anyone who has ever worked at, is working at, or even been a customer at a place that employs mostly high school students should know, it's not a lot of fun. Just imagine the living nightmare work would become if they discovered you secret. You would get no respect. Someone could accidentally drop a handful of plates, catch the wall on fire, and slap a customer simultaneously in one immense clumsy mess. But all they have to do is point at you and yell "That guy plays Yu-Gi-Oh!" and you would instantly become the biggest loser in the store. -If they find out- Expect to never hear the end of it. You could be the most efficient worker in the world and they would still remind you that they don't approve of your recreational activities on a daily basis. Heck, you could give your paycheck to the people you work with and you'd still only be known as the guy who plays Yu-Gi-Oh. 3-Classmates: It might be temping to bring your Yu-Gi-Oh cards to school and make new decks (your not doing anything important anyways) but I advise against it. All it takes is one person to find out about your secret and suddenly even the guy with the third nostril won't talk to you. Believe me, almost no one in high school or college will accept your hobby. So unless you want to go to fewer parties than the janitor keep your Yu-Gi-Oh obsession under wraps. -If they find out- Your best bet is to find someone with an even more embarrassing secret. Like a guy with Hello Kitty stickers on his binder or somebody who eats live insects and then makes jewelry with the exoskeleton, actually you probably want to leave that guy alone. 2-Potential Employers: It can be difficult to keep your secret under wraps while in a job interview. But you have to remember that your would-be boss won't be as impressed that you just got a first edition Exodia Head as the guys at the card shop. So when trying to get a job leave your deck at home, because even if the person interviewing you does use your dueling skills as criteria they're probably just mocking you. -If they find out- You probably won't get the job. But hey, there's always the lucrative world of bus driving. And if you thought playing a collectable card game made you weird just wait until you meet the colorful characters on public transportation. 1-Girlfriend: The girlfriend is probably the one person you want to look good in front of, which is exactly why you can't tell her about your secret. But hey, what am I saying? Maybe you'll find a girl who doesn't care that you play Yu-Gi-Oh, and while you're at it could you go ahead find me Bigfoot, the fountain of youth, and the guy who framed O.J. Simpson. Face it, you don't want to tell her about it until you're deep in the relationship. Like when you're married to each other, have had some kids, retired, moved to Florida, and you're on your deathbed. So even though getting her to make a Harpie deck sounds tempting, asking if she wants to is right up there with telling her you cheated on her, with her sister. -If she finds out- She's going to leave anyway. So I suggest telling her (even if it's not true) you also watch Star Trek religiously, collect comic books obsessively, and love dressing up at anime conventions. After thinking she dated that big of a nerd she'll spend years in therapy. I actually go out with a girls two, maybe three times and say all this to her for no reason. Then I call her a loser for dating me and laugh. But that's just the kind of guy I am. So there you have it, the most important top ten list you will ever read in your life, until I make a new one. This is BattyMan. Did you my article? If so, let me know at BlueYoshi2187@hotmail.com