"No! Please, No. 17! Have mercy!" cried Super Saiyajin Son Gohan. Android No. 17 raised his finger and pointed it at Gohan's face. The Android delivered the dreaded last words that Gohan would ever hear. "RATTRAP - MAXIMIZE!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "17! What's wrong?" asked No. 18. "I just dreamt that FUNimation cast my American voice to the voice of Rattrap from "Beast Machines!" "What?" asked No. 18. "It was horrible! I sounded like a moron! And the worst part is THE RATTRAP VOICE FITS! I mean look at me! Look at my character. Notice the sinister profile...the profile of a trickster! The profile of a RAT! And then there's my wily personality! "What if they can hear me? What if they're taking notes? I can feel it. FUNimation is always watching me! ALWAYS!" "Take it easy," said No. 18. "You sound like the lead singer of Ko?n!" "Who?" asked No. 17. "Ko?n is this weirdo grunge band that No. 16 is interested in all of a sudden," said No. 18. "Hmm. So No. 16 likes grunge, eh? Well, that certainly won't develop into a corny, yet interestingly humorous plot line," said No. 17. "NOW WHAT ABOUT MY DILEMMA? WHAT OF MY VOICE? WHAT?" "Take it easy," said No. 18. "You're far too sexy to get a voice like that." "Yeah, I guess you're...wait a second, what did you say?" DRAGONBALLZ: MISADVENTURES in MOSH PITS Starring: The Androids By: L. Curtis Totty "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Androids No. 17 and 18 quickly rushed to the kitchen where they saw No. 16 on the phone. "No. 16, what's wrong?" asked No. 18. "Shhh..." shushed No. 16. "I'm on the phone with WHAT Radio! I'm Lucky Caller No. 16!" "Hey, that's your name!" noticed No. 17. "SHUT UP!" yelled No. 16. "Yeah? Uh huh? He's about to ask me three questions!" No. 17 rushed into his bedroom and turned on his radio. "Hey, this is DJ Shut Your Mouth, and this is WHAT Radio! I'm on the line with Lucky Caller No. 16! So, what's your name, sir?" "I'm No. 16," said No. 16. "I know you're caller no. 16, now what's your name?" "...Sixteen," said No. 16. "No, your name!" "Uh.... SIXteen!" said No. 16. "Whatever. Are you ready to win tickets to see Ko?n?" asked DJ Shut Your Mouth. "You betcha," said No. 16. "Okay. I have a list of questions about Ko?n. For each question answered correctly, you get a ticket to see Ko?n tonight at the Apex Outdoor Center!" said DJ Shut Your Mouth. "Now, how many tickets do you want?" "Three," said No. 16. "Gee," said No. 17. "I wonder what losers No. 16 planning on dragging to...Aw, damn it!" "Okay. The first question is Multiple Choice. Here it is. Are you ready?" asked DJ Shut Your Mouth. "Ready," said No. 16. "Here it comes. For the first ticket to Ko?n, your question is: On which Ko?n album was the song Got the Life released? Was it (A) the debut self-titled album 'Ko?n,' (B) 'Life is Peachy,' (C) 'Follow the Leader,' or (D) 'Issues?'" "The answer is (D) 'Issues,'" said No. 16. "Is that your final answer?" "No, I want to change it to (C) 'Follow the Leader.'" "CORRECT!" yelled DJ Shut Your Mouth. "All right, No. 16. That's one down, two to go. Are you ready for your next question?" "Of course," said No. 16. "This next question is Fill In The Blank. You must rhyme the line I am about to say with the line that comes after it. I will not tell you what song or album it is from. Here it is. 'Beating me down. Beating me, beating me down,' FINISH IT!" "DOWN INTO THE GROUND!" yelled No. 16. "CORRECT!" yelled DJ Shut Your Mouth. "Which song is that, anyway?" "Falling Away From Me, from 'Issues!'" replied No. 16. "Okay, last question. It's true or false. Ready?" asked DJ Shut Your Mouth. "You know it!" said No. 16. "True or False: It was the band Limp Bizkit that discovered Ko?n." "False! Ko?n discovered Limp Bizkit!" said No. 16. "CORRECT!" yelled DJ Shut Your Mouth. "You've just won three tickets to see Ko?n tonight at the Apex Outdoor Theater!" "Whoo-hoo!" whooped No. 16. "This is horrible," said No. 18. "Why is that again?" asked No. 17. "He's going to drag us to this blasted concert!" cried No. 18. "Oh right," said No. 17. The Androids stood in the Apex Outdoor Theater, with thousands of other Ko?n Kyddz. They awaited the arrival of Ko?n, yelling and screaming their lungs out. For some reason, Ko?n hadn't arrived yet. "Why hasn't Ko?n arrived yet?" "Well, we're certainly getting our money's worth," said No. 18. "But, the tickets were free," observed No. 17. "I know that," growled No. 18. "Gee, the crowd is getting restless," said No. 17. "If Ko?n doesn't get here soon, things could get ugly!" "WE WANT KO?N! WE WANT KO?N!" yelled the crowd. "Maybe we should get out of here, guys," said No. 18. "No. 16, let's go. No. 16?" The giant robot was chanting along with the crowd. "Hey, what city are we playing tonight again?" asked Munky, a guitarist. "Satan City, Japan," said Fieldy, the bassist. "Hey, isn't that to the south?" asked Head, the other guitarist. "Is it?" asked David, the drummer. "Crap! Jonathan! Stop the bus!" Jonathan, the lead singer and bagpipe player, whispered something unintelligible then yelled "...THE BUS?" "What?" asked Munky, trying to clear out his ears. "I said...why do you want me to stop THE BUS?" "Because we're going the wrong way," said Head. "We're going the wrong way?" asked Jonathan. "YOU IDIOTS! WHAT ARE WE DOING GOING THE WRONG WAY? YOU SEE, THIS IS WHY I'M THE LEAD SINGER, BECAUSE YOU MORONS CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" "Jonathan, you're the one who's dr-" "SHUT UP!" yelled Jonathan. "Now, get our special 'Freak On A Leash' ready." "Aw, come on, Jon," said David. "Who? Who are you talking to?" asked Jonathan. "I'm sorry, Ko?n," said an exasperated David. "Damn STRAIGHT!" yelled Jonathan. "Do we have to use the 'Freak On A Leash?'" asked Fieldy. "Yeah, we're tired of murdering all our fans and erasing everyone else's memories," said Munky. "Yes, we have to use THE 'FREAK ON A LEASH!'" yelled Jonathan. "Now sit down and shut up before I come back there and reach my Maximum Pitch." The band members of Ko?n sat down, and began to talk amongst themselves. "Why do we put up with him anyway?" asked Munky. "Yeah, I can pull better singing out of my ass," said Head. "Why can't we just kick him out or something?" "We've been over this time and time again," said David. "He's the only one of us who can read or write." "Oh yeh, whee phorgaut," said a downtrodden (Yes, that's a real word) Fieldy. "Now, while I turn the bus around, I think I'll practice for the concert," said Jonathan. "I SAID, I'LL PRACTICE FOR THE CONCERT!" The band members of Ko?n all picked up their instruments and began to play the instrumental versions of their songs. "You guys better have a new song written for me by the time we hit the interstate, or else I'm taking away your freedom of religion privileges!" said Jonathan, as he sipped a 40-oz and fell asleep at the wheel. "Not our freedom of religion privileges!" cried Head. "Oh great, he blacked out again," said Fieldy. "Well, at least his foot's still on the pedal. "Assume Safety Formation!" said David. Everyone moved to different sides of the bus and pushed so that the bus would turn. They could only pray that they could make it to Satan City safely, of course, as long as they were on the Ko?n Tour Bus, they wondered if Jonathan was keeping their prayers from being answered. "THIS IS BAD! THEY'RE REALLY LOUD AND ANGRY NOW!" yelled No. 17 over the crowd. "WHAT?" yelled No. 18. "I SAID, 'THIS IS BAD! THEY'RE REALLY LOUD AND ANGRY NOW!'" cried No. 17. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" yelled No. 18. "THIS IS BAD! THEY'RE REALLY LOUD AND ANGRY NOW!" Meanwhile, back on the Ko?n Tour Bus... "Listen, Head. I know that Jonathan won't let us have any groupies, but your...well, 'little substitute' thing is getting out of...um, hand." The rest of the band stifled a laugh. "That's right, guys," thought David. "Hang on to the few shreds of happiness we still have." "That does it, I've got to do something!" said Android No. 17. He started to run towards the stage. "What do you mean?" asked No. 18. "What are you doing, No. 17?" No. 17 turned around, winked, and gave a thumbs-up, in typical animé fashion. "Don't worry about me! You just make sure you don't wet your panties!" "I don't like the sound of that," said No. 18. No. 17 jumped onto the stage, and soon gained the audience's attention. He grabbed the mike, and turned with his back turned to the ground. He snapped his fingers twice, and suddenly, a Latin beat appeared out of nowhere. "Oh no," said No. 18. It was her worst fear possible. Android No.17 began to sing "Shake Your Bon-Bon (Settle down, ladies)." The crowd went wild! Girls fainted into their boyfriend's arms! No. 18 was astounded. A conga line formed behind No. 16. "C'mon, No. 18! Loosen up! Join in!" said Android No. 16. "O...okay," said No. 18. She grabbed someone's hips and joined in the dance. About 20 other guys tried to get in line right behind her. Finally, the song ended, and everyone screamed for Android No. 17. A stagehand hopped onstage and whispered into Android No. 17's ear. No. 17 picked the mike back up and addressed the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you KO?N!" The band finally appeared on stage, and the crowd cheered even louder! No. 17 leapt back into the crowd next to his siblings. "Was I great or what? These Ko?n guys have nothing on me!" The concert got into full swing. The Mosh Pit was reaching dangerous levels. "It's getting pretty rowdy around here," noticed Android No. 18. She gasped. "NO. 16! YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" "Why? I'm fine," said No. 16. "THAT'S JUST IT! YOU'RE KILLING EVERYONE!" cried No. 18. "But I'm not doing anything," said No. 16. He looked down, and noticed a bunch of guys breaking themselves on No. 16's body. "Oh." He hovered into the air. "There, that's better," said No. 18. "Now, where's No. 17?" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a limp body flying into the air. Android No. 17 was getting smacked around by some madly miffed male Moshers (they were especially angry because No. 17 brought all their girlfriends to their climaxes faster than they could). "NO. 17!" cried No. 18. "Don't worry, No. 18. I turned off my Artificial Pain System," said No. 17 as he was jackknifed into the ground near No. 18. She pulled her brother up, unfolded him, and set him down. "Oh, could you pop my spinal cord back in? Thanks." "Well, I better turn my Artificial Pain System back on so I can delete all these injuries from my Ache Cake," said No. 17. "I think that's Ash Cache," said No. 18. "Whatever," said No. 17, as he reactivated his APS and felt his pain again. His eye began to twitch. "Oh...Osh Kosh B'Gosh." Android No. 17 fainted. "EVERYONE PLEASE! STOP THIS HORRIBLE VIOLENCE BEFORE YOU ALL KILL SOMEONE!" yelled No. 18. Everyone stopped fighting, and looked at No. 18. Ko?n stopped playing, and looked at No. 18. "Who's she?" asked Jonathan. "STOP THAT! I'M NOT JONATHAN; I'M KO?N! I AM KORN!" I'm sorry, Ko?n. "I'M ANDROID NO. 18 FROM SATAN CITY, AND I'M GOING TO PUT AN END TO YOUR BRAND OF EVIL MUSIC! That's weird. Why do I suddenly feel like some kind of punk kid with a pet rat?" "That's it! UNLEASH THE 'FREAK ON A LEASH!'" yelled Ko?n. Munky sadly opened a small curtain and revealed Ko?n's special friend. "NO, IT CAN'T BE!" cried No. 18. "Who's that?" asked No. 16 and 17. "Meet our FREAK ON A LEASH!" said Ko?n. "Say hello to BROLLI!" "NO! NOT HIM AGAIN!" cried No. 18. Brolli knelt on the ground, bowing to his master. "Brolli, bring me that girl," said Ko?n. Brolli leapt into the crowd, tackling Android No. 18. He then lifted her up and carried her back onstage. "All right! I've got what I want. KO?N, AWAY!" ordered Ko?n. Brolli carried No. 18 and every member of Ko?n away. "No fair," said Head. "How come he gets a groupie?" Later, at Ko?n's Lair... "Well done, Brolli. Hold her down for me!" said Ko?n. "You won't get away with this!" yelled No. 18. "My brothers will come for me!" "Oh? What makes you THINK THEY CAN DEFEAT MY FREAK ON A LEASH?" asked Ko?n. "Anyway, slaves, I have an announcement to make." "What is it?" asked Fieldy. "I'm changing the name of the band to 'The Ko?n Band,'" replied Ko?n. "BUT WE'RE ALREADY CALLED 'KO?N!'" cried Munky. "No, you guys are 'The Ko?n Band.' I am Ko?n. Thus, you are my band! It's kind of like 'The Dave Matthews Band,' only I'm much more oppressive than he is!" "HELL'S FLASH!" Androids No. 16 and 17 came storming into Ko?n's Lair. "Give us our sister back!" Ko?n turned to face them, looked them in the eye and said: "No." "WHAT? NO! IT CAN'T BE!" cried No. 17. "Oh well. We tried. Have a nice life, No. 18." "Not so fast!" said Ko?n. "David! Head! Take over holding down my bride! Brolli - ATTACK!" Brolli stepped forth and transformed into a Super Saiyajin, and dashed towards the two Androids. David and Head held down No. 18. "Hey, you're touching my butt," said No. 18. "Oh...sorry," said David. He moved his hand. "I didn't say stop," said No. 18. "Can I touch your breasts?" asked Head. "No," said No. 18. "Damn," said Head. "Get ready, No. 17. We may have to fight for our lives," said No. 16. "Right," said No. 17. "Now, LET'S GO!" No. 17 and No. 16 dashed toward Brolli. They rapidly threw punches and kicks at Brolli, who easily blocked each one. Brolli grabbed their fists and threw them at opposite ends of the Lair. "ALL RIGHT!" yelled No. 17. "LET'S GET IT ON, BECAUSE I'VE GOT TO REPRESENT ALL MY PEEPS IN THE ANDROID SQUAD!" He flew towards Brolli. "WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON, BIG BOY!" yelled Brolli, as he too flew towards No. 17. "Damn you, FUNimation," said Android No. 16, as he leapt into the fray. "ANDROID NO. 17 - MAXIMIZE!" yelled No. 17. "Damn you to hell, FUNimation!" said No. 16. Android No. 17 tried to fight off Brolli, but he couldn't do it alone. Android No. 16 suddenly kicked Brolli in the back, and Android No. 17 punched Brolli in the gut. They had managed to kill Brolli once and for all. "You may have been able to BEAT MY MINIONS, but I'm going to show you how to really fight!" said Ko?n. He stooped down low to the ground, and began to gather his ki. "Oh no," said Fieldy. "He's about to power up to MAXIMUM PITCH!" "Maximum Pitch?" asked No. 18. "What's that?" "You're about to find out," growled Head. "BRING IT ON!" yelled Android No. 17. "I wouldn't anger him if I were you," said David, as Ko?n prepared to attack. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ko?n unleashed his ultimate attack, and screamed at the top of his lungs at the Androids. The supersonic wave tossed them into the wall, in which they were trapped. "And now, to FINISH YOU OFF!" yelled Ko?n. "Fieldy, bring me my bagpipes!" Fieldy reluctantly carried Ko?n's bagpipes to him. "Say goodbye." Ko?n let out a long, hard honk at the Androids. But suddenly, the Androids were rescued! A short man with red hair stepped in front of the bagpipe blast, and survived! "What? Who is he?" asked Ko?n. "KURILIN?" asked Android No. 18. "That's right!" said Kurilin. "What happened to your hair?" asked No. 17. "I dyed it red FOR YOU, NO. 18!" "Kurilin, you're embarrassing me in front of the cute drummer!" growled No. 18. "Kurilin! Get away!" cried No. 16. "How can you possibly defeat him?" "Please," said Kurilin. "Any noise this guy makes can't even compare to what Bulma can do! SO GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT, JONATHAN!" "Okay! You asked for it!" said Ko?n. He fired another sonic blast from his bagpipes at Kurilin. It didn't even faze him. "Is that your best?" asked Kurilin. "I'll show you real power! KAMEHAME HA!" Kurilin fired a titanic blast from his hands. Ko?n tried to counter with an incredible blast from his bagpipes, but he couldn't hold a candle to Kurilin's beam (Get it? Hold a candle? Because people always turn on lighters at rock concerts and stuff! Aw, forget it.). Kurilin vaporized the evil...(Dare I say it? I do dare!)...JONATHAN! CHOOSE YOUR ENDING! 1: HAPPY ENDING "Great job, Kurilin!" said the Androids. "We're finally free of that evil lead singer of ours!" said Munky. "Groupies for all!" said Head. "So, No. 18. Would you like to go to Chéz Derriere with me?" asked Kurilin. "I'd love to!" said No. 18. "Yes!" said Kurilin. 2: SAD ENDING "Great job, Kurilin!" said the Androids. "We're finally free of that evil lead singer of ours!" said Munky. "Groupies for all!" said Head. "So, No. 18. Would you like to go to Chéz Derriere with me?" asked Kurilin. "Sorry, Kurilin," said No. 18. "I'm going with David! I really like blondes now!" She walked off with him. Kurilin was dumbfounded. "But you're already blonde! You don't need more blonde! Oh well, looks like its back to the Hair Cuttery for me!" 3: "SPECIAL" ENDING "Great job, Kurilin!" said the Androids. "We're finally free of that evil lead singer of ours!" said Munky. "Groupies for all!" said Head. "So, No. 18. Would you like to go to Chéz Derriere with me?" asked Kurilin. "I've got a better idea!" said No. 18. "Why don't you, David, and I have a threesome?" "Okay!" said Kurilin. 4: "TO BE CONTINUED" SEMI-ENDING "Great job, Kurilin!" said the Androids. "We're finally free of that evil lead singer of ours!" said Munky. "Groupies for all!" said Head. "So, No. 18. Would you like to go to Chéz Derriere with me?" asked Kurilin. "But you can't go with MY FIANCÉ!" "What? No! Jonathan's back?" cried the Androids. YOU CAN CREATE YOUR OWN ENDING FOR ENDING CHOICE #4!